Who am I ? Is often a question that comes up so often, consciously or subconsciously so. This question dwells in one’s mind ever so often whether unguMgoma or not. After intwaso it is a question that can drive you to biker man and alcohol faster than you can say “ngali phuza ngalí phalaza”.
So much to do, where to start and what about all the laws that govern. Eager to please and fit in , not forgetting the pressures from expectations of this new life. The excitement of getting back to your life, sleeping on your bed, indulging in a glass of something, not having to wake up at 3am for a cold water bath, not having to walk on your knees for the better part of the day, not having to put yourself in a trans( uku hlehla idlozi ) at the beat of the drum, the list is endless. Anxiety fused with excitement a combination stronger than nyaope that is becoming your life days after ingoduso.
So who am I ? I am umntwan’ edlozi born into the spirit ye thonga, more than one personality that must find a balance of coexisting, an exercise equivalent to putting together a 1000 piece puzzle. Who then do I belong to? I belong to I thonga lami who are the navigators of my path. Those I am born from, the influencers of my life. Is it then not ironic that we tend to believe we belong to impande? We are uniformed with fellow thwasas though not born from the same ancestors. Even during initiation there is comparison of performance. Is this done because it is easier to maintain or easier to remote control? Are we being initiated to be obedient or to be facilitators of healing ? Does anyone stop to investigate idlozi lam before uniforming my process ?
The questions are mindboggling, an emotional roller coaster that whisks you off when the cracks start to show, because of a foundation not real. It is done, the money, you’ve put in the time but it feels like you are only beginning. It gets worse when relations with impande are strained, this very belonging you were gotten used to has deserted you. You are alone, feeling lost and almost losing your mind. Where then to start ? Surely things are not as you left them either, you are not returning as the same old you.
Being uMgoma is an emotional journey that requires after care and sometimes continuous counselling to preserve your sanity and maintain your strength. This journey starts from when you are born, continues into ephehlweni and reaches its peak after ngoduso. It is a lot to carry, scars on scars, if without the proper ointment can be infectious and poisonous leaving you vulnerable to the vultures with no shame. They will smell your fear, self-doubt and loneliness a mile away, and boy oh boy kusezodlalwa ngawe.
When I went in for initiation, I was an ordained lay minister of the Anglican church. My eagerness to make a difference led me to believe I would jump right back to the pulpit. Of course I later found out it was not going to be that easy. The laws that govern came to play. Would I have to take off my beads, What happens when I get into a trans while giving communion for instance. Oh heavens! What if I get a vision about the very priest and what I am seeing does not allow me to be quiet ? Most importantly, will my church be able to handle me? It is sad to even must worry about being accepted by the church, filled with Africans in Africa.
Ohkay so I suppose jumping back to church was not going to work immediately, though that was the church I knew and grew up in. In the meantime, I must find another meaning for Sunday, find the church in me and make sense of it. One is not always ready to go join a new congregation, totally not in the mood for learning another new people, when you’ve been learning new ways for the past six months or so ephehlweni. You want to breath, to be in your comfortable space, the very comfortable space haunted by the impositions of intwaso. Not so comfortable after all.
Respecting your gift can never be preached enough while ephehlweni. You can’t just be in a relationship with anyone, even when in the relationship there’s processes to follow. All these laws, and yet you would still hear news of guides taking advantage of the initiates. Consensual or not fact is, as an initiate you are there to learn. The discipline of submitting and being true to your gift , then gets taught through abusing the power and stealing the sacredness of your infant stage ebu Ngomeni. You leave believing you were special, only to find out you were no exception, honey it was all just part of the play.
Not everyone is open to processes zobu Ngoma. The new person in your life has never seen you in trans, what happens when they do. Oh lamula baba, these thoughts drive you straight to covid19 and again vulnerability sets in. Sticking to the first potential that seems to agree with this new person you’ve become. Still bruised from abuse, yes it is abuse no guide must have a relationship with the initiate while in process. Yet still the thoughts are loud, I must respect my gift, meaning I can’t just be in and out of relationships. Leaving uMgoma to persevere even when it hurts, well at least he adheres to the dlozi culture I suppose it is not that bad, right ?…Wrong!
Be careful of taking advice about your gift from just anyone, consult impande, is another sermon ya se phehlweni. You now ask yourself was it said so to never discover truth, was I being managed to be remote controlled ? You push those thoughts to the back of your mind because you never want to believe that those you trusted where never truthful. So eager to be obedient you forget about yourself ne dlozi lakho. Depriving yourself of growth, running back to mpande for every little thing instead of getting into the habit of discovering things on your own and exercising your spirit. It is nice while it lasts, because this is the picture painted about the Ntwaso culture. For a moment though, stop to think about what happens when the relations go south, or u Gobela ukhunjulwa li dlozi lakhe sooner? You are left with all these rules and new life to figure out yourself… welcome to Coldville !
While trying to figure all that out, you struggle with your sleeping patterns. Often you must stop yourself from jumping up at the arms of the clock, when you couldn’t manage that, you’re in a panic because you can’t readily see the utensils used during those times or worried that you missed a particular hour yoku phahla. Before you know it, you’re on your knees ready to go…until it snaps, but I am home.
Did I mention Covid 19, yep social distancing is your first point of thought when overwhelmed by all the above. LoL! kade sa hlangana no Corona si ngama Ngoma, we’ve seen him ngamehlo, without masks and sanitisers. Just prayer no ku phahla he he he he
Phew !! it is a lot, but not the end of the world. What I have found to aid is;
Talk about it – Talk about the nightmares, talk about the feeling of being overwhelmed. Talk about the fear of being in a relationship that could soil your gift. Talk about not feeling so confident yet. Talk to idlozi lakho, phahla gogo, phahla kuze ku lunge !
Create networks – Form networks cleverly, find someone outside your mpande and share thoughts, risk it and trust ithonga lakho to guide you. Trust me no one masters this journey. Accept that you are not perfect and have not suddenly turned into a superhero. It is ohkay not to know everything all at once. At the end of it, you are still human, you just have added qualities, having someone in your corner is handy.
Do You – Use what you have been taught as guidelines not law. Don’t take things at face value, question and actively seek answers. Never lose the essence of you, Intwaso is not meant to take away from you, but add to you. You are meant to be more of yourself in ways unimaginable .
Love yourself first- be kind to yourself, give yourself a break you’ve been through a lot. Practice patience with self, move at your own pace but don’t be complacent, continue to dance to the beat of your ancestors.
Don’t impose- be a lady, you do not have to prove anything to anyone. Not everyone you meet is for you and not all relationships you enter into must work. It is a journey not a race to the finish line. Bheka indaba zakho, qhawukana no makhelwane, awuthwaselanga yena. Unless of course ntanga is just begging to see what you are made of, then don’t disappoint, give them a show.
No theatrics – keep a humble attitude and fierce soul, it makes it ever so meaningful when they never saw you coming
Thokoza Mgoma your strides are the strips in which generations will be healed from. Walk this path in all your clothes of armour, cut from the warrior cloth of the thousands you stand with who paved it all for you. Your gift was never meant to make you a victim of circumstance but to free and heal you and those you come from.
Abalali kungeka lungi….Ndawuwe !
